I was pretty emotional while typing my year-end post because 2017 has been the toughest and the most challenging year for me. Honestly, I don’t want to write something about my 2017, but I realized that it’s also a good idea to reminisce and think about all the things that I’ve been through this year and reflect on all the lessons that I’ve learned from those experiences — good or bad. I am not actually good at expressing my thoughts and feelings and I don’t know where to start, but I’ll just let my heart say everything that it contains.
To be honest, if I’ll be given a chance to go back to 2017, I wouldn’t come back anymore. This year was the hardest year for me, especially because this year really changed me as a person. I was no longer the “good girl” that other people thought I was ‘cos I became miserable and a mess. Everything happened so fast in a blink of an eye and I was overwhelmed with what life is throwing me and all the responsibilities. I was at a point of my life where I don’t know where and how to start & how to adult. Even from the start, I knew 2017 wasn’t really my year.
I suffered from dysthymia and I was lost. It’s like I’m on the edge of a cliff and my only choice is to jump. There were times when I can feel the pain eating me, or I feel nothing at all. It was hard. I noticed that my mood started to change from time to time and it affects my relationship with other people, but most especially with myself. I felt alone, even if I am surrounded by people who actually cares, but I feel suffocated at the same time. My relationship with my friends was tested. My relationship with my beau was tested. I think he suffered more than me because I swear, dealing with me during my darkest days was hard; but I am really grateful that he never leave my side during my lapses, understand my complicated self and love me even more.
I never want to go out and I no longer want to be where I am because all I see is darkness. I lost the enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable for me. I feel physically restless and all I wanted to do was to sleep all day. I was exhausted. There were times when I just don’t want to get out of bed and face the reality anymore because I know I can’t handle the struggle. I wanted to get away with everything. A lot of tears were shed. I have said “I can’t do this anymore” a lot of times.
I feel I wasn’t enough anymore and I started asking myself questions. I wasn’t sure of anything and everything torn apart. It hurts. It’s like watching everything fall apart right in front of me, yet I can’t do anything about it. I was too hard on myself that I can’t even celebrate success because I feel that there’s something missing, and that it was still not enough. I had my first job, I have someone whom I could lean on, a complete family, friends, and all the other things. I mean, I have nothing to be stressed about. I lost my focus, and I cannot concentrate on things. I cannot understand myself and I feel guilty. I cannot be genuinely happy because I don’t think I deserve it.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions and challenges, but after all, I still made it through each day! I still survived this year! I still rise from it! So instead of being bitter about it, I used it as a motivation to go on with life. I am grateful that I learned a lot of lessons this year. I realized that I should be thankful for everything I have, be contented and that I should not plan or figure out the future yet and just go with the flow. Weakness doesn’t define me. The mistakes that I have committed made me even wiser and stronger. I cannot say that I am 100% okay now because this isn’t an overnight process, it is a daily cleansing of pain, but I’m working on bettering myself.
In times that I don’t know where to hold on to, I call on God. Simbang Gabi (a Filipino Christmas tradition; a series of nine dawn masses) really helped me a lot. Despite my hectic schedule, I made it a point to devote my time, attend and complete them. I listed all the lessons that I learned from the masses to remind myself that life is challenging but beautiful; and I feel the need of sharing it with you:
- God is our light. Don’t worry, for He will never leave us.
- The light in our hearts is there, don’t let the darkness get in the way.
- Always choose to be the right and the good person, no matter how hard the situation is.
- Everything will fall into place in God’s perfect time and in His way.
- God’s plan is better than our plans.
- Lift up everything to the Lord, He won’t give you struggles that you can’t do. Don’t ask for too much, don’t complain and don’t count what you don’t have because He will give you just enough.
- Always be grateful for what you have, little or big. It isn’t the quantity, it’s the quality.
- Not all tragic events means bad, sometimes it’s an opportunity to open to new things and new beginnings. God is always gracious.
- God only desires what’s best for us, He will give us more than what we deserve. We should humble ourselves.
On the last two days of this year, I am leaving everything that’s keeping me from moving forward. I am leaving all the negative things in 2017 as I welcome a positive 2018 with hope and confidence! Cheers!